Messtival (Bradley Parker/The East)

Video: Messtival 2016

Messtival failed to summon even a single demon this year. What event organizers promised to be an open Hellmouth never manifested – leaving festival-goers upset and disappointingly bound to this plane of existence.

Ian MacMillan, cult leader, and chief organizer of the Anagance-based music festival/ritual sacrifice says that while certain goals weren’t achieved, Messtival has had a long history of setting the bar low, and regular attendees shouldn’t be too surprised. “As tends to be the case following any of our events we are left holding our aching heads in despair and embarrassment. We promised so much but failed to deliver the release of our demonic overlord, but I suppose it is Messtival, so most people expected disappointment. That’s the beauty of lowered expectations.”

Festival-goers expecting to be ceremonially sacrificed before ascending in a glorious blaze of hellfire, were disappointed that they were left with nothing more than a fancy lightshow and a day of music. Many complained that the best the festival could come up with was a stream full of leaches, leaving them asking if Messtival even had a licensed practitioner of the daemonic arts on staff. MacMillan admits that the quality of skilled training may have been a factor, “One of our volunteers claimed he summoned a poltergeist once when he was on a trip to Ottawa… I guess we put too many eggs in that particular basket.”

The failure of the festival has left organizers in an awkward position. Expecting their almost a decade long ruse to culminate in sacrifice, they hadn’t put much planning into the future of the festival, or much of anything else, but say that their only option is to carry on. “Our tenth installment will be early August, 2017- we are working on the theme and are planning to do some improvements to Loserville for next year. We really expected that it was going to be the end of the world, so the Messtival crew is actually currently trying to locate new employment after forcibly exiting our previous day jobs… Do you think you could be a character reference for me?”

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